REPORTER: Insurance companies cover Viagra but not birth control.

MCCAIN: I certainly don’t want to discuss that issue.

REPORTER: It was unfair that health insurance companies cover Viagra but not birth control. Do you have an opinion on that?

MCCAIN: I don’t know enough about it to give you an informed answer.

If you can do a McCain speech Better Than McCain, but need a suggestion… go no further than these cringeworthy examples of Jammacainian speechifying from prepared remarks on a music stand (yes, someone was paid to write these lines for him) this week at Sturgis, warming-up the crowd before Kid Rock. And remember, being Better Than McCain while engaged in an activity receives bonus points.

“I was looking at the Sturgis schedule, and notice that you have a beauty pageant. And so, I encouraged Cindy to compete. I told her, with a little luck, she could be the only woman ever to serve as both First Lady, AND MS. BUFFALO CHIP!”

“Is there anybody that’s tired of paying four dollars a buck four dollars a gallon for gasoline? Is there anybody that’s sick and tired of it? Is there anybody that wants to become energy independent? Well I’m telling you right now we’re sending 700 billion dollars every year, and your Congress just went on vacation for five weeks. Tell ‘em to come back and get to work. Tell ‘em to get to work! When I’m President of the United States, I’m not going to let them go on vacation, they’re gonna become energy independent, and we’re not going to pay four dollars a gallon for gas because we’re gonna drill off-shore, and we’re gonna drill now! And we’re gonna drill here, and we’re gonna drill now! My opponent doesn’t wanna drill, he doesn’t want nuclear power, he wants you to inflate your tires! My friends, we need a Commander in Chief, we need a Commander in Chief who’ll end the war in Iraq, but will win it the right way, and that’s by winning it.”

“My friends, I want to talk to you finally about the transcendent challenge of our time. The challenge of the 21st century is the threat of radical Islamic extremism. My friends, there’ve recently been arrests in Denmark and Germany. And the head of Al Queda now said that they want to establish cells in the United States of America.

This is a dangerous world. Look at what happened recently in Pakistan, and the threat that poses to our brave young Americans fighting in Afghanistan. In case you just missed it, there was a near confrontation in the Straits of Hormuz between the United States Navy and some ships representing the Iranians. The same Iranians that are dedicated to the extinction of the state of Israel. The same Iranians that are importing the most lethal explosive devices into Iraq as we speak that are killing Americans.

My friends: I know how to handle the Iranians. And I’ll handle ‘em.”

01/07/08, Concord, NH

“My friends, as President of the United States, I’ll follow Osama Bin Laden to the Gates of Hell and I’ll shoot him with one of your products. Only, only after he receives justice, only after he receives justice. Only after he receives all of the rights that a mass murderer… Anyway, that…. I do want to ammend my comment: I will bring him to justice, but justice will be swift and sure. So anyway, I don’t want anybody to misinterpret my remarks. But the fact is, the fact is, my dear friends, he’s responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans. Let’s be clear. Let’s be very clear who this enemy is, and what he wants to do, and what he’s trying to do. So, I joke around a little bit, but the fact is, that this is an evil, and unfortunately, that evil has spread to places where we never thought it would spread to.”

from McCain at Smith & Wesson, via dmurphy07

“We must also prepare, far better than we have, to respond quickly and effectively to a natural calamity. When Americans confront a catastrophe they have a right to expect basic competence from their government. Firemen and policemen should be able to communicate with each other in an emergency. We should be able to deliver hot bottled water to dehydrated babies and rescue the infirm from a hospital with no electricity. Our disgraceful failure to do so here in New Orleans exposed the incompetence of government at all levels to meet even its most basic responsibilities.”

from remarks as prepared, 06/03/08, Kenner, Louisiana

“I was at a conference in Germany over the weekend, and President Putin of Germany gave one of the old cold war-style speeches as he addressed the conference there.”

02/17/07 - Des Moines, Iowa

“Oh! Oh because I think his comments were clearly the race card. Because of what he said. Everybody can read his remarks. In fact, his campaign retracted those remarks. So, I think it’s very clear — and I was very disappointed at his comments. His campaign retracted those remarks, so let’s move on.”

From Panama City, Florida, 08/01/08, via IssueAlliance

“And on the subject of Osama bin Laden. He is responsible for the deaths of thousands of innocent Americans. He is now orchestrating other attacks on the Unites States of America. We will do whatever is necessary. We will track him down. We will capture we will bring him justice. And I’ll follow him to the Gates of Hell.”

- Politico/MSNBC debate, May, 2007

“You will hear from my opponent’s campaign in every speech, every interview, every press release that I’m running for President Bush’s third term. You will hear every policy of the President described as the Bush-McCain policy. Why does Senator Obama believe it’s so important to repeat that idea over and over again? Because he knows it’s very difficult to get Americans to believe something they know is false. So he tries to drum it into your minds by constantly repeating it rather than debate honestly the very different directions he and I would take the country. But the American people didn’t get to know me yesterday, as they are just getting to know Senator Obama. They know I have a long record of bipartisan problem solving. They’ve seen me put our country before any President — before any party — before any special interest — before my own interest. They might think me an imperfect servant of our country, which I surely am. But I am her servant first, last and always. “

from remarks as prepared, 06/03/08, Kenner, Louisiana